September 2010
5 posts
Can I do it?
What a day!! First day of school and it was a success!! I didn’t get an A+ that’s for sure but, the kids did great.
Samantha went off bounding down the street ready for the first day of her last year of High School. Oh my god. Were did the time go? She is such a good sport. “Can I take you picture Sam? Or is that not okay?” ” Sure Mama” so outside she goes to let me take a clic or two of her on her way.
Madison was a bit tense when she got up so we were a bit nervous. She posed for all kinds of pictures. My mother came over to see her off and take some snapshots. Madi just posed and posed. Off to school we went I drove because a ride on the bus was refused and it just wasnt a battle I wanted to take on. I wanted her first day to be amazing with as little stress as possible. Were standing in a sea of kiddies all ready for school and you hear the Blue Creek clap. Silence!!! It’s the most amazing thing. Doors open and we flood in. I see a little bit of terror in her eyes but, she holds it together. I give her a kiss and she just steps into the moving crowd and heads for her class. Head held high. Determined to do it.
I was not so strong. I just barely made it to the car. It is so hard to let go of them. How do you know they are going to be okay all day with out you? Will someone be mean to them? Will they feel lonely? Eat lunch with friends? Oh god! Like I need anything else to worry about. Why are they growing so fast!! I cherish every single moment but, I want more!!!
Everyone had a good day. I take that back, Madison’s day was AWSOME!! She got off the bus and pretended she was playing an air guitar. Jumping around and full of joy.
Everyone was fine today…. Thank you God!!
Love you
Jenn
Summer is coming to an end!! I can’t believe it. We had such a fantastic summer. The kids are just about set for school. I just can’t believe Sam’s going to be a senior and Madison in the 2nd grade!! God were does the time go?
You know, I worry so much about doing all the wrong things as a mom. You just don’t want to make mistakes because your afraid of changing their path. I want my children to be of healthy mind and soul. I made a few mistakes with Samantha and live everyday with regret for those mistakes. She was always my whole life and made me want to be a better person. I just would trip up from time to time and get a little selfish. I never really had much support back then. I was young and stupid and it would get the best of me time to time.
My sun rises and sets on my family. My world is different now. It’s healthy and I have worked hard to get here. I do have to at times take a huge step back from certain people in my life in order to maintain my sanity and that is just how it has to be!! You really have to work hard to not allow emotional baggage to effect you. It doesn’t effect work , just my ability to bounce. It’s so hard always having felt like a disappointment. When I even a tiny bit feel that, I go into hiding. I just cant handle that feeling of inadequacy.
I’m sure someday I will feel right and at peace with myself. There is alot of damage and hurt to work through. I’m sure it’s possible.
Love you
Jenn
